PARAMUS,
NJ—The school cracked down on its shomer negiah policy the other day, letting go of
student-favorite Rabbi Joshua Schulman for allegedly “air-fiving[1] Mrs. Keigher so enthusiastically [she] would have seriously hurt her hand were it a
real high five.[2]”
“We just
can’t have this kind of behavior present in the school,” Rabbi Ciner announced
at Thursday’s press conference, “especially coming from a teacher. We tried to
create a shomer negiah environment by sending Mrs. Golfischer on
a ‘maternity leave’ last year for subtly making contact with Rabbi Goldfischer
when handing him a diet peach Snapple, and when we let Devon the pizza man go
following an incident involving him touching a slice of pizza with his bare
hand that would later be eaten by a senior girl. Oh, and don’t forget when we
yelled really loudly at that former Hebrew teacher for punching a senior boy of
hers in the face. Simply put, Rabbi Schulman couldn’t read between the lines.”
Then,
after a major uproar, Dr. Stein took the podium:
“As a result
of this repeated preposterous activity, the Frisch board of directors has
unanimously decided to prohibit any contact whatsoever between anyone . . . The
Frisch Yeshiva is not an overcrowded Israeli mall. There will not be so much as any inadvertent contact
between walkers-by in the hallway.”
Dr. Stein
continued his statement with some plausible Samaritan-Jewish halakhic backing for the board’s decision, before
closing with the following:
“As of
today, we’ve revamped our security team with intolerably kindhearted gentlemen,
well-equipped to deal with the matter at hand. Those who appear to be making
contact with others will be warmly suggested to leave the school with a
belaboring smile, irresistible puppy eyes, and a severance package containing my
book Dual Curricu-what?! A Principal's
Guide to Striking the Perfect Balance Between Secular and Jewish Studies in a
Yeshiva Environment.
Meanwhile,
for reasons unknown, the school has had an admittedly hard time persuading
Rabbi Schulman to actually leave the premises. Perhaps a new system will be
instituted in the foreseeable future.
Stay
tuned for more.
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