BERGEN COUNTY, NEW JERSEY (AKA THE ARMPIT OF AMERICA)—Last year it
was the new fingerprint attendance system; this year it’s solving Frisch World
Hunger.
Right here at Frisch.
That’s right folks, they’ve done it again. Somehow, the Frisch
administration has this impeccable grasp of how best to improve the Yeshiva.
Gosh darnit—it’s simply uncanny.
The issue of World Hunger—namely, the starvation of people in all sorts
of third-world countries—has been seriously bugging the collective conscience
of Frisch’s ultra-sensitive student body, which, you should know, is the most
sensitive student body around, as it is the only one to have both an Ocean
Culture Club and an Arab Preservation Club.
But getting back to the matter at hand, Frisch students are seriously
pondering the issue of World Hunger. And, unfortunately, it’s making the
student body that much hungrier.
Having mock-interviewed many teachers dressed as students about
what they wanted to do about this issue, and then making up what the
teacher-students answered altogether, the Frisch administration posted in a
recently-released survey that its student body demanded something be done to
the lunch program. That survey can be seen here.[1]
Basically, Frisch took a long look in the mirror and asked itself,
“What can I do to improve myself for these troubled and hungry students?”
And it correctly realized that we needed sushi in school. Frisch then
continued, “Ah, but you could really lose ten pounds” and continued serving two
vegetable dishes a day. And on top of that, Frisch asked, “Still, that’s just
not enough—how can I enhance the Jewish high school experience of these
conflicted and ravenous young souls?” But why even ask the question? Everyone
knows that frozen yogurt is the obvious next step.
The point is, hunger is a serious issue at Frisch, and it goes
without saying that no Frisch student should have to worry about his or her
lunch not having multiple courses, especially after worrying intensively over
some dude in Africa dropping his only apple right in the mud. And if you were
wondering about the problem of the pizza not being pizza-y enough, wonder no longer.
The pizza problem has been fixed, even if no one realizes there was ever a
problem to begin with.
But I know what you all must be asking yourselves. What about
eating when you can’t get to the cafeteria in time? After all, the building is
not small, and not all of us have lunch periods. For that reason, Frisch has
decided to convert the library into a downstairs cafeteria, as well as to open
up a Starbucks in the Beit Midrash.
The Frisch students have had enough of libraries and places of
study—that’s where all the anxiety comes from. The time has come to stop
feeding students’ minds and start feeding their stomachs.
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